


Something I Did (That Failed to be Charming)

by notimmortal



Series: Take A Moment To Think of Just Flexibility Love and Trust [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-22 23:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13177473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notimmortal/pseuds/notimmortal
Summary: PLEASE READSo this is a continuation of my fic "Here Comes a Thought (That Might Alarm Me)"Like that fic, this is based off of personal experiences that I will explain after the story but please keep that in mind as you read.





	Something I Did (That Failed to be Charming)

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ
> 
> So this is a continuation of my fic "Here Comes a Thought (That Might Alarm Me)"  
> Like that fic, this is based off of personal experiences that I will explain after the story but please keep that in mind as you read.

Alex

It was Thanksgiving break, I was home alone.

There was blood dripping down my legs.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I mumbled to myself, trying desperately to stop the bleeding. I quickly jumped in the shower, turning it on full blast, watching the water become tinted pink.

Things had been rough lately, to say the least. It had been a week since my break down, a week since Thomas had to talk me out of my own brain. A week since I had been clean.

Well, that last bit is an exaggeration. I just broke my clean streak, my two year long clean streak. And for what? Now I feel even more like a fuck up than I did an hour ago.

All I could think about is how upset my friends were going to be. John and Eliza had already been through so much with me the first time around. What if they don't even care now? What if I ruin our friendship because they don't want to deal with me anymore? My thoughts were running rampant, my heart was close to beating out of my chest. Panic attack.

My vision was blurring and I was feeling light headed so I quickly shut the shower off, grabbed my towel, and sat down on the edge of the tub. My breathes were shallow, fighting their way out of my lungs. As quickly as I could manage (without feeling like I was about to pass out again) I dried off and got dressed. I barely made it out of the bathroom and to the couch before collapsing.

Try as I might, I couldn't seem to get my breathing to return to normal. The room was spinning and my thoughts were louder than ever. I needed something to ground me, but what?

***

Thomas

I was hiding in my room from my siblings, reading a book and texting James. Holidays like these made everything more difficult since there were more people and less places to hide. Against my will, my thoughts turned to Alexander.

It had been a week since I had held him in my arms, trying to calm his hectic mind and essentially confessing my love for him. We didn't discuss that part, though. We just discussed his mental health and our new found friendship.

When I found out he was returning to Mount Vernon for thanksgiving even though George and Martha would only be there for Thanksgiving day (both were called out for business meetings for the rest of the week), I was concerned. Alex hadn't been alone since I had left him to get drinks with Laf on that fateful day. He certainly hadn't been alone in such a large space for god knows how long.But he assured me he would be fine.

Which is why my heart all but stopped when I saw his name appear on my phone screen.

Alex was a texter. He liked the quick convenience of texting. Getting a call from him was peculiar. A cause for alarm.

“Alex?” I said, answering his call. I could hear sniffling, as if he were crying. “Alex, what's wrong.”

“Hey Thomas. I'm um… I'm kind of really freaking out right now and don't really want to talk about it but I need something to stop my brain for a bit so can you just… can you just talk at me for a little bit? Tell me about your day or something?”

“My days been kind of crazy, let me tell you,” I said, talking to Alex while formulating a plan in my head.

I wanted to pry, I really did. But there was no way to get Alexander to spill his guts to me over the phone. Either way, I was concerned. Jumping up, I grabbed my keys and headed to my car. It's a two hour drive from Monticello to Mount Vernon. Hopefully he wouldn't do anything stupid before I arrived.

***

Alex

I spent about half an hour talking to Thomas, calming myself down. There were times where Thomas’s voice sounded distant, like he wasn't really focused on what he was saying, so I told him I would call him back later.

I could feel the cuts on my legs burning, demanding to be felt, to be seen. But I didn't want to look at and acknowledge what I had done. I couldn't do it.

Instead, I opted to pass out on the couch for a while, trying to ignore all that had happened. After some time, I was awoken by a banging on my door.

“Alexander Hamilton I know you're in there, open up!” a familiar voice shouted. I quickly threw myself off the couch and ran to the door. Standing on my porch was Thomas Jefferson, who quickly pulled me into a hug. “Thank God you're okay, I was so worried when you called me earlier.”

“I'm… I'm sorry, Thomas. I didn't mean to worry you I just - it's just - I…”

“Tell me what happened.”

I hesitated, which caused Thomas to squeeze my arm lightly. Sighing, I pulled myself away from Thomas, “I kind of really broke my clean streak and you either get that or you don't I don't think I can actually force myself to admit what that means.” I could hear Thomas gasp, but I couldn't force myself to look at him, so I powered on. “I wanted to tell you while we were on the phone but talking about it is hard. I don't like it. It makes me feel like I'm burdening another person. Or like I'm doing this for the attention of others. But I'm not, Thomas, I'm really not. And I don't want to burden others. I really don't. Especially not John and Eliza and and you and I just…. I just can't seem to get these thoughts to go away.

“I'm so scared of myself, Thomas. Because everything is fine, but I don't feel fine and I have no right not to feel fine. I have a good life. I have an amazing family and great friends and school is going fine my future looks fine but my brain I just…”

Thomas stepped forward, wrapping me in another hug. “Just because things are okay in the real world doesn't mean that your brain is okay, Alex. Sometimes… sometimes brains can be assholes. They don't do what they should. But things can get better. Things don't have to be scary. You can stop.”

“It's not that simple,” I say desperately.

“You're right, it's not. But your friends and family are here for you. I'M here for you. Breaking your clean streak doesn't change the fact that people care about you. You are not alone.”

We stayed like that for some time, Thomas holding me close and telling me that I am not alone. And for once, I thought he could be right.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated but never required.
> 
> As I explained after my last fic, I've had some Problems lately and was trying to find a more healthy outlet to deal with them. As you can probably tell by this fic, I broke my clean streak. Part of Alex's dialogue where he's explaining to Thomas what happened is actually taken straight from texts I sent my friends on the subject. The entirety of Alex freaking out in the shower and having to call Thomas to calm him down is also based on my life. I hope to continue this series with more works based off of how I'm learning to deal with this all over again. I'd like to explore how John and Eliza (who I'm modelling after two of my close friends who helped me in the past) handle Alexander's relapse. 
> 
> I would like to close this out by saying that you shouldn't do what I am doing. As I exolained in my previous fic, my family is weird about mental illness and I can't share with them what's happening. But if anyone reading this is feeling how I am, I implore you to get help. What I'm doing isn't healthy, and I know this, but it's what I have to do for now. Please, take it from someone who wants help more than anything: you are not alone.


End file.
